If you somehow haven’t yet decided who to vote for in the UK’s most important election in generations, then here is a handy guide. It’s also important to remember to register to vote while you still can. Belwood doesn’t claim to be an expert opinion on many things… except, of course, music! So what would the country’s political parties look like when translated into band form?
Conservatives – The chart-topper
All the generic pop acts that spout repetitive rubbish but end up dominating the top 40. They remain “popular” even though you’re fairly sure you’ve never met anyone that actually likes them. They’re everywhere you turn, constantly forced down your throat, doing well not because they’ve earned it, but simply because of the fact that they’ve got a heap of money and all of the mainstream media plugging them.
Labour – The cult indie band
They don’t have the media behind them, besides the odd appearance once in a blue moon if they’ve done something particularly interesting. Despite this they still end up selling out venues all across the country. They have a vast and loyal following that they have mostly amassed by word-of-mouth. People stumble across them, connect with what they hear and feel compelled to pass the message on.
Liberal Democrats – The former buzz band
They were the talk of the town back in 2010, people had high hopes for them but they never really lived up to their potential. They had some hits a while back, but they’ve made plenty of mistakes since then. Whether their own fault, the fault of management, or a bit of both, they have fallen from grace. They’re trying to make a comeback, remind people why they once liked them, but most fans have lost interest and moved on.
Green – The hipster singer/songwriter
They have a lot of interesting things to say, and often have a deeper message to share, but fail to get the word out. They’re too caught up doing their own thing that they never come close to getting their big break. You’d love to see them get the recognition they deserve, but it’s one hell of a long shot. Their fans seem unconcerned however; they feel part of an exclusive club and wear their love for them as a badge of honour.
SNP – The one-hit-wonder
They’ve only had one meaningful contribution and, while it’s massively popular with many people, it has completely defined their career. While some one-hit-wonders try to deny what they are and try in vain to come up with an interesting follow-up, here they have fully embraced it. They will quite happily play their big hit all day to please the crowd and to avoid coming up with something new.
UKIP – The aging rocker
A lot of older fans love them, mostly as they too miss the “good old days”, but for the vast majority of people they seem old-fashioned and out of touch. They keep playing to big crowds and inexplicably find themselves near the top of the bill. They think they’re more important than they really are, in reality they are simply embarrassing themselves. They’ve long since passed it, and it would be best if they just called it a day.